Things Are Changing

So first off, I want to start with sharing the fact that apparently I'm just a really awful blogger. I'm really good at having a Tumblr, and a Twitter, and a Facebook. But a "real" blog is apparently not for me. I have no idea how people keep up with these things weekly, let alone daily, or how people could possibly make money off of them. I, on the other hand, apparently like to post once every 3-6 months with the hopes and aspirations that I'll post more often, only to be let down by my innate inability to find anything important or interesting to post about. I could probably post tons of pictures of kittens every day, but that's not what this blog is here for.

Moving on. Obviously a lot has changed in my life in the last 9 months. I moved to Maryland, was forced to stop riding horse in the meantime, learned a lot about myself, and that's just the beginning.

A little over a month ago I got notice that my Uncle had been placed in the hospital with signs that he had suffered another heart attack. This was not a new experience for me. I have often gotten news that he was sick again, even hospitalized, and often gotten word of it after he had come home. You see, my Uncle's body was very sick. He suffered his first heart attack on September 11, 2001, mostly thought to be brought on by the stress, shock and horror of the terror attacks on the United States. Since then, he had had several minor heart attacks, open heart surgeries (including a quadruple bypass), and all in all was in desperate need of a heart transplant. He also dealt with other illnesses, such as diabetes, that added to his lack of wellness over the years. So learning that he was in the hospital was not a shock. But this time it felt different.

If you did not know that my Uncle lived with these ailments, you would not have guessed. He did his best to be there for us as nieces whenever he could, especially as he never married and did not have any children of his own. We were his children. Once in the middle of July he went with my cousins and me to the Houston Museum of Natural History and ogled at the dinosaurs, allowing me to break the rules and touch the exhibits (all for a photo opportunity of course), despite the obvious "do not touch" signs. He simply looked the other way. We would watch football, horse racing and baseball together, and he was the only person in the world that could keep me interested in the Tour de France for longer than about 10 seconds.

But when I got that call, I knew something was different. This time he was intubated, something that had happened very rarely, if ever before. His kidneys were failing and his body was shutting down. I wanted to jump in my car or on a plane and be there with him, because I had an underlying feeling that he would not be with us for long.

I was right.

One Tuesday night I was up late doing homework, and I jokingly asked a friend to buy me a plane ticket to Houston. He declined, obviously. The next morning, I woke up feeling very ill, like something was wrong. I decided to not go to class that day and fell back asleep. I woke up a few hours later with a text message from my dad (and if you know my dad, you know he never texts) that read "Call me when you are out of class." I knew then.

I called him anyways and he told me the news, and I immediately started crying. I was glad I had stayed home. Oddly, my pets had been extra cuddly that morning as well, as if they knew before I did. I called my mom and we started discussing travel plans and coping, etc. Most of all we talked about how we were glad that we had taken the time to drive to Houston for Thanksgiving.

One big discussion that we had was how I felt the need to be there for the funeral, but coming that Saturday was my very last chance to compete for a local title to go to Miss Maryland, and as this is my last year, it would have been my last chance ever. As I was laying in bed trying to figure out how to be an adult again (aka, I was watching The Land Before Time and eating ice cream), I got a text message from a director that I had had previously in the year (actually the very first pageant I did in Maryland).

Teresa asked me if I was busy and could talk on the phone, I said no, and she gave me a call. The conversation that followed informed me that I was the new Miss White Oak 2014 and would be going to Miss Maryland. I would not have to compete on Saturday, a mere days after my Uncle passing away and hours before having to fly to his funeral. I cried while on the phone with Teresa, both out of grief and excitement.

For a while I didn't know how to feel. I didn't know if it was okay to be happy about my title because of the circumstances I was also in. I didn't know if I could celebrate one thing and mourn another. After a few days I was able to separate the two emotions and could be excited for my opportunity to compete for Miss Maryland while still mourning the loss of a loved one. I took my new crown to the funeral to show my Uncle, who never got to see me compete.

Most importantly from all of this, is the fates work in mysterious ways. My uncle would not have been healthy enough to come see me at Miss Maryland or even Miss America. Had I had to compete that Saturday I most likely would not have won, as I would have been too emotionally compromised.

My Uncle is the most inspirational person I've ever known. He never finished college, but is easily the smartest man I have and will ever know. He traveled the world in his lifetime, and I now have a piece of the Berlin wall that he picked up straight off the ground after the fall of the wall. He was asked to be a body guard at the Seoul Olympics, but turned down the offer as he did not want to carry around an AK-47. He was a hardcore conservative, but understood that war takes live and is detrimental to our economy, our society, and the lives of people around the world. He pursued everything he loved in life. And most of all, he taught me that life is too short to spend it doing something you hate because it's what you think society would want you to do.

For a man who was 54, he was wise beyond his years. My only hope in life is that one day I can influence as many people as he did. I hope that one day, people look up to me as they looked up to him. And I hope my pancakes can be half as good as his were.

I love you, Uncle. Rest in Peace.

#95 - Fill a Journal with Inspiration and Gift It

I completed this one a while ago, but never blogged about it because I don't really know how, but I'll do my best.

This past summer my friend Margaret let me borrow her horse to ride since mine were in Oregon. Margaret is 16 and like any teenager has some confidence issues sometimes with various things in her life, so I figured this was the perfect thank you/encourage you thing to do for her.

I bought a little journal and began clipping out pictures from magazines, as well as printing some pictures that I had taken of her. I also used inspirational quotes and song lyrics that I knew she liked. The idea behind this journal was that whenever she was feeling discouraged she could look in it, and even add her own inspiring things with the idea that perhaps she could gift this journal, or a brand new one, to someone younger when it comes that time.

There aren't really any pictures to "show" this one, so I'll leave it with this explanation. I also have expanded the bucket list to 128 things. I also completed another since I last blogged, but I'm tired, so maybe I'll write about that one tomorrow. 13 down, 110 to go.

A Realization

I was looking online today at some quotes, and I came upon a

realization. I used to ask people a question very similar to this:

In fact, my question was almost identical.  Whenever we would run out of conversation, I would ask this question. Great topic starter, no doubt. When I saw this, I flashed back to when I asked my first boyfriend this question and what his answer was. I realize now that at that moment that there should have been red flags.

For a year and a half I suffered through an emotionally abusive relationship with this person. With some studying and discussing with others, I realized that he had many of the symptoms of a sociopath. He would do purposefully hurtful (and sometimes illegal) actions and use his charm to win people over and make things okay. I realize now that I should have noticed something was wrong, when his answer to my question was "I would rob a bank, or maybe rape somebody." At the time I was just a naive teenager looking for a boyfriend, so I looked over anything that may have seemed bad.

I do not put this out here to harm him, which is why I have kept this person anonymous, nor do I write this to gain your sympathy. I write this for a few reasons.

1. I believe that if I release all feelings of regret I will be able to live a better life, and the best way for me to do this is to share those feelings with the world. I do not regret that I dated this person, for I learned a lot from the relationship, I regret that I did not see the warning signs when they were so obvious to begin with.

2. I want other young girls to know that it's more important to stay safe than to have a boyfriend. If something sounds off to you, talk to your friends or your parents about it. Don't just let it slide. The numbers of domestic violence are so high in this country, and once you're in it it's hard to leave.

2 1/2. I do not want anybody else to have to go through what I go through now. I lack all trust in men, making it nearly impossible for me to find a relationship. I ended a perfectly fine relationship with someone I loved because things began to remind me of my first relationship. Abuse effects you forever.

So tonight, I leave you with this: What would you attempt if knew you could not fail?

Number 58 - Go Cross Country Schooling

August 22nd, 2011, my best friend took me cross country schooling. This makes 11 of 100 things accomplished. I had a wonderful time at Northwest Equestrian Center in Rainer, WA. I shared my friend Margaret's horse Obe, so poor Obe had to go over everything twice, but it was well worth it. My first experience with cross country was over a baby ditch (right). It was such a baby ditch that it was only one sided, in fact. After jumping it for the first time, I loudly exclaimed "11 down, 89 left to go!" and everyone laughed. Later we jumped a "real" ditch, but never got a good picture of it, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

Our second jump, left, was nothing exciting, just a log. Except for the part where it was up a hill, and the grass was really high so you couldn't see it until you were on top of it. Yeah, did I forget to mention that? Though it wasn't very big. I will say, cross country fences don't look big until you're a stride out from them, and then they look huge, and then you're going over them and you realize that they're not big at all. At least that's how it is for me. I hear it's different for everyone.

This is probably my favorite picture from the day. At least of Obe and myself. I do not have video at the moment, seeing as Allison has it all and she is currently in Waco, doing something for college. Smarty pants. I'll put video up once I have it.

Now for some non cross country related business. I realized a while ago that the picture I posted under FEI Dressage does not indicate that I showed FEI Dressage, since I'm wearing a short coat. I showed FEI Juniors, in which you still wear a short coat even though the tests and rules are sanctioned by the FEI. Since the picture doesn't show it, I will post video now. Here is my proof of accomplishing #19: Show FEI Dressage:

I'm also in the process of working on marking off a few other numbers before the summer is over. Let me know if I've inspired you to start a bucket list of your own, I'd love to know (It's also on my list to inspire 10 people to start their own). I hope you all are enjoying my adventures as much as I am!

My Bucket List

So I've been thinking. I want to change the world, right? Right. Well, what better way to do than by doing things that make me happy and inspiring people to do the same? Exactly, I can't think of one. I can promote my platform day and night, and I still will, but the only way to truly change someone is by making them happy about who they are. So new goal in life. Read on.

About 6 months ago I began making a bucket list. I started it after I saw the movie with Morgan Freeman, and I realized that life is short, and I didn't want to wait until I found out I was dying to realize I had missed out on all these amazing things in life. So at 20, I began a list of things I wanted to do before I died. I'll often add to the list, and today I brought it up to #100. One of the things on my list is to inspire 10 other people to start their own lists.

The most important thing about a bucket list is that it's not just things you might find cool, or fun to do. It's things that will make you happy, or bring joy to your life. I mean, the two aren't mutually exclusive, obviously they can be cool and fun as well, but that's not the purpose of the list.

To keep you on your toes, I'm going to keep my entire list a secret and just document things as I accomplish them. Some things will be able to be document via photo or video, and some you'll just have to take my word on. But I'll give you some ideas on what to put on yours. I have everything from Try Yoga (#96) to Tour Europe (#6) to Volunteer in a 3rd World Country (#91). Quite the span of things. Now onto the things I've accomplished.

#4 - Be a size 6. (June 2011)

#15 - Date a good guy. (December 2010-May 2011)

#16 - Have picture I've taken published in a national magazine. (February 2009)

#19 - Show FEI Dressage. (March 2008)

#39 - Have a walk in closet. (June 2011)

#54 - Have picture I've taken published on the cover of a magazine. (November 2010)

#59 - Go to the Baseball World Series. (October 2005)

#62 - See a play on Broadway in New York. (July 2007)

#63 - Go to a game at Old Yankee Stadium. (July 2007)

#67 - Fly in a hot air balloon. (August 2010)

So that's it. 10 down, 90 to go. Until I add more, that is. I'll add more pictures as I find them, and more accomplishments as I do them.